The Magical Bean

With the birth of Mason I became a mother.  When James was born I became a warrior. 

Both of my children have proven to be blessings within themselves.  Each bringing a different personality to the table that we call home.  I cannot believe I have given birth to these two bright beautiful spirits.  And as different as they are individual; so are their birth stories.

It was November 2003.  Somewhat cold and yet warm because we awaited the birth of our first child.  He would be the first grandchild on both sides of our family.  It was celebration to be had by all.  By the end of November; I would be the last person celebrating.

The month started with subtle contractions.  I had no idea what I was in for because I didn’t think there was anything else I needed to know about giving birth.  I didn’t need to go to classes.  I didn’t need to read books.  I thought all I needed to do was show up at the hospital and PUSH my baby out.  I wasn’t “DUE” until the beginning of December; and so it began!

I showed up in assessment several times over the next few weeks.  I had baby stalkers everywhere and they all were anxiously awaiting the birth of our first.  Advice came from all ends; the old, the young, the single, the plenty.  They were all telling me how to “get him out”…  And I thought that the due date was my deadline.  I needed to get him out.  I wanted to get him out. 

During my visit, the week before Thanksgiving, my doctor proposed induction.  And we bit.  I thought, “hey, why not choose my babies birthday….”  Could we all have birthdays in November?  Could we all end up weeks apart? 

It would be the WORST decision/mistake I have made to date! I also have to say; it’s the one decision in my life that I regret the most.  I think about this, and rethink, and think more, about that day; that decision, That MISTAKE…. 

In no way is the birth of our first son a mistake.  Please do not misunderstand me.  But the way we chose it.  How I was sucked in to my Doctor’s suggestions.  My god….  I was so freaking naïve. 

To make a VERY long story short….  I call his birth my “induction for convenience from hell gone c-section”!  I believe that the reason my Dr. suggested I be induced is because she did not want to end up in the delivery room come Thanksgiving day.  And how could she; I wasn’t even dialated when she decided to pump me full of Pitocin!

After 24 hours of labor, 2 hours of pushing, a lot of anxiety, crying, tears, kicking my family out of the room, eternal embarrassment, and a stubborn little boy who took his time coming down the birth canal to only end up “sunny side up”….  I had a FUCKING C-Section!!!!!!!!

That damn doctor gave up on me.  What I also know to be true is that I allowed every single medical intervention to be done to me because I didn’t know any better.  I trusted my doctor.  I allowed her to take control of MY BIRTH.  I let her take the most precious thing, in my life at that time, away from me.

Oh, but I had a health baby, you say.  FUCK YOU!  Oh, but it doesn’t matter how he got here…  Fuck you again!  Yes I had a healthy baby, Yes I came out of major abdominal surgery alive, yes everything was okay…  But I matter too!

It wasn’t my plan to have a c-section.  In no way did I want to lay on that table and be ripped from one side of my pelvis to the other.  Nor did I want to have my baby ripped from me and passed from one stranger to the next.  He looks so mad in that first picture.  He knew something wasn’t right.  He knew it wasn’t supposed to be his birthday.

When discussing future children I always became panicky and refused to acknowledge that there was a desire.  I would always tell people that I didn’t want more; that Mason would be an only child.  And I didn’t care what they thought because I always had a rebuttal.  So I was quite surprised the day I sent him off to kindergarten and was overwhelmed by the feelings I was experiencing to give birth again.  What was this? 

I became pregnant within the next year and when I found out I was immediately on a mission to do it differently.  I wasn’t going to voluntarily lie on that silver table and subject myself to the vulnerability I did with Mason’s birth.  It is in no way his fault; but it is his birth.

Searches of VBAC’s in Louisiana lead me to this wonderful website of support called the LNB (Louisiana Natural Birth).  I have to say I LOVE these women with all of my heart and soul.  They have understood some of my irrational (but somehow rational) fears and know firsthand what it’s like to go through what I did.  Until you have something like that ripped away from you; you can NEVER truly understand. 

I drown myself in information.  I read books like they were going out of style.  If someone could be overeducated on a topic; I was going to throw up birth.  I had mood swings over it.  My husband and I had heated discussions about it.  He was 100% supportive but at the same time didn’t always understand some of my requests.  I became a Natural Birth JUNKIE!  It was the decision I needed to make in order to keep me off of that silver table.  It was what I needed to do to keep me from going through what I did with our first birth.  It was what I was going to do to save myself.

April 2011 was my due date.  I never told anyone my actual due date because what I learned researching all this natural birth stuff is that due dates are just estimates.  Your babies know when they are supposed to come and they do when you least expect it.  Everyone around here is used to picking their birthdays and I wasn’t getting caught up in that game again; nor did I want baby stalkers.  So I ‘baked’ in silence.

100% natural was the way for me…. And I was damned and determined to make it happen.  We kept everything a secret.  Even the fact that I was 4cm dilated at 36.5 weeks.  And so it began.

I showed up to the hospital with just my husband and my best friend.  If I learned nothing else from my research it was that I needed no distractions.  I will refer to those as my “paper tigers”.  I kept them out of the loop for a reason.  What if this wasn’t the day?  What if I would be in labor for another 24 hours?  What if I caved and got the epidural?

I had no problems keeping it all a secret as most people didn’t understand my desire to do this my way.  Most didn’t even understand why I was refusing drugs.  They honestly didn’t understand my fear of being on that table again…  It was stronger than any epidural.  I was beyond wanting to ‘not be pregnant anymore’. 

And so he was born, April 2, 2011 at 10:56am… 100% natural, no drugs, vaginally, surrounded by people with whom I wanted to be there; and into his momma’s arms.  He healed me.  He has super powers!